NATE WHITMAN'S SUBCONSCIOUS—After an extensive search of local resident Nate Whitman's euphoric sleeping fantasy, a crack team of his most pressing responsibilities was finally able to locate the 29-year-old claims adjuster at 5:30 a.m., one hour before his alarm clock was set to go off. "It looks like we arrived just in time," said Whitman's two-month-old outstanding car payment, speaking on behalf of itself and several other responsibilities—including his mother's upcoming birthday and next week's jury duty selection. "He was being fellated by Scarlett Johansson while piloting a Jet Ski at high speeds. We're lucky we caught up to him before he started flying." After leading him through a vivid fantasy of taking his work shirts into the dry cleaners, Whitman's responsibilities turned him over to several embarrassing moments from high school for his remaining 45 minutes of fitful slumber.
More News in Brief
Apparently Facebook Friend Under Impression Ron Paul Still Running For Major Federal Office
COLUMBUS, OH—Based on his recent activity on Facebook, local man Arthur Gibson, 29, is reportedly under the impression that libertarian icon and former presidential ...
16-Year-Old Excited To Have Whole Summer To Plan Shooting For Next School Year
TERRE HAUTE, IN—A few days into his summer vacation, local 16-year-old John Vucinich told reporters Tuesday that he is excited to have the next ...
American Dental Association Recommends Making Your Gums Hurt Really Bad Once A Day
CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to ...



5

