Roethlisberger's Promise To Change

Following accusations of sexual assault and his NFL suspension, contrite quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has vowed to mend his ways. Here's how:

• Try not to just talk about himself when forcing himself on drunk women
• Shall always stop short of sexual assault by holding up around sexual misconduct
• If he does go out to bar, he will absolutely make sure to tell everyone he's Jay Cutler
• Put any young woman who's had too much to drink into taxi and while helping her into backseat just feel her up a little
• Every time he has an urge to drink and screw random women, will just drink and ride his motorcycle instead
• Admit to himself it's time to start killing them afterward, wrapping their bodies in chicken wire, and tossing them on the outgoing tide
• Work on throwing mechanics to become so good that no one will care how sleazy he is
• Find out why that one nice girl in Georgia hasn't called him back