Item! In case you're on Mars or something, here's a news flash: The Oscars happened! I always get cable this time of year so I can watch that catty Joan Rivers and her lovely but retarded daughter dish on the fashions. Well, after last year's debacle, I was determined not to miss the Oscars, so I recorded them, and I even took notes so I could recall some of the highlights. Here they are!

Russell Crowe has something to "crowe" about... an Oscar for Best Male Actor! The hunky star of American Gladiator, who was seated in the front "crowe" with an unnamed blonde, slayed the competition with his sword of talent and charisma. Another Crowe, whose first name I forget, also won an Oscar for writing or directing or something like that, so he had something to "crowe" about, as well.

That's the only bad thing about the Oscars: Why do they have to interrupt all the glamour of Hollywood's hottest actors and actresses with these nerdy behind-the-scenes people? Who wants to look at them?

And Julia Roberts? Oh, my! She looked stunning in a dress that looked like it floated down from heaven! But jeers to Beeork and Jennifer Lopez for their dresses. Beeork looked like a clown in her duck dress, and J. Lo didn't even notice that her gown was see-thru. How embarrassing! The winner of Best Supporting Actress from the movie about the artist who just splashes paint like any monkey could also looked good in her red ensemble.

And the Britney Spears Pepsi commercial? Ooh la la! It's okay to say that now that she's 18. A year ago, that sort of talk would have been inappropriate and perverted, but now, hubba-hubba! Britney has "it"... and then some! I don't know about you, but I can't wait until Britney starts her acting career.

For my money, Steve Martin was an all-right host, but he was no Whoopi Goldberg. I mean, Father Of The Bride 2 is one of my all-time faves, but I think Steve Martin has a bit too much restraint and dignity these days to host the Oscars. No offense, Steve, but where was that "Wild And Wacky Guy" we fell in love with in the '70s? Where was the "Excuuuuse me!" and the meat-cleaver-through-the-head thing? I say we bring back my personal choice: Billy Crystal! Now, there's a man who doesn't know the meaning of the word "restraint."

And, once again, the Oscars snubbed the comely Sharon Stone. Sheesh! What does a gal have to do to win an Oscar these days?

As for creepy musical performances at this year's Oscars, I'd have to give the nod to Vincent Price for his live-via-satellite performance from Australia. (Although, if you ask me, it looked more like he was live-via-satellite from beyond the grave!)

Item! If you're like me, you spell comedy with a big letter M, as in The Divine Miss M–Bette Midler. But in this case, the 'M' is silent because the villains at ABC have silenced Bette, pulling Midler! right out from under her. Who could believe the chutzpah (or nerve, as we goyim might say) of those bigwigs?

But just when I'm down on television, I see that Dennis O'Leary has a new show where he plays a gruff, fast-talking, straight-shooting cop. Now I can see him on a weekly basis. I hope he'll stick it to those uptight PC people about smoking (not that I am a smoker or advocate smoking, but it sure is funny to hear him cut loose) or share some insights about being a father.

Say, does anyone ever wonder why every time you slip into a hot bath, some telemarketer calls trying to sell you something? And why is it usually something good?

Item! Survivor is now in Australia, and you know what? I don't care! The only one I like is Kimmi because she stands for something, even if it is as nutty as vegetarianism. Other than that, it's just an island full of Richards. Yuck. Here's a prediction about the last episode: I won't be watching.

Item! Madonna has a new video!

Is it just me, or is everyone getting a little freaked out about Mad Cow Disease these days? Heck, I'm not even sure what it is, but I sure do know that I don't want to get it myself! Just the idea of mad cows makes me feel a little queasy.

Item! Puff Daddy is Puff Innocent! It turns out that he never had the gun that numerous people (or "liars," as I like to call them) claim they saw him carrying. Nor did he throw a gun out the moving car window. Nor did he try to bribe his bodyguard to claim the gun was his. It just goes to show you: No one who dresses that nice could ever be guilty of assault or attempted murder. Way to go, Sean John!

Forget your keys? Here's a special Jackie Harvey Home Tip: Make sure your neighbor has an extra set so you can get back in. If they're not home, make sure you have another set hidden under a rock by your back door. Of course, a good key rack can really cure a lot of your key woes.

In the spirit of the Oscars, I'd like to thank you all for dropping by Jackie's Place for The Outside Scoop. Make sure you stop by again next time. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised about some information regarding sparks between a certain pop sensation and a supermodel! That's all I can say for now, but I think you have a pretty good idea what I'm talking about. Until then, I'll see you... on the Outside!