SAN DIEGO, CA—The 8.5-month-old fetus being carried by Betty Marin will be happy if it never hears Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 23 In A Major again.

More News In California

• Room Scanned For Something To Sell On eBay

  ISSUE 40•15 | 04.14.04 | News in Brief

  ALBANY, CA—Applying tape to the last package in a 12-item round of eBay sales, Brandon Vye scanned his bedroom for anything else he could auction off online. "I sold the Grand Ole Opry floaty pen... the UNO cards... the Santa socks—so now what?" Vye asked as he spun around in his swivel chair. "Maybe I could sell these science textbooks, or my tapes of old SNL episodes? God, I've got to have something I can mail off."After listing a misshapen clay bowl he made in a high-school ceramics class, Vye decided to head out to the yard to search for "eBay-able stuff" there. more»

• Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

  ISSUE 40•20 | 05.19.04 | News in Brief

  ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday that she resents all non-canine life forms. "My family and coworkers and friends are so hard to get along with," Dobbyns said, petting her pug Skipper. "They're so opinionated, and they let their egos complicate everything." Dobbyns added that her little Skipperdoodle would never expect her to drive 22 miles to a birthday party at a restaurant she doesn't even like. more»

• Crazy Man Announces Plans To Stand In Doorway, Yell At Cars All Day

  ISSUE 34•09 | 09.30.98 | News

  ALHAMBRA, CA—Area crazy man Dennis Fife held a press conference Tuesday to announce that on Oct. 8, he will stand in the doorway of the office building at 2600 Kenilworth Avenue and yell at cars all day. more»

  

• Teen Publication Takes Bold Anti-Peer-Pressure Stance

  ISSUE 35•20 | 05.26.99 | News in Brief

  ANAHEIM, CA—TeenPulse, a monthly publication targeted at 13- to- 17-year-olds nationwide, shocked industry insiders by espousing a courageous anti-peer-pressure position in its June issue. "Friends who try to pressure you into something you don't want to do are no friends at all," contributing editor Cassandra Walters urged a reader in her monthly advice column. "Say 'so long' and get yourself some new buds who like you just the way you are." Also featured in TeenPulse's June issue is a "Cool Summertime Looks You Can't Do Without" pull-out shopping guide. more»

• Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

  ISSUE 32•05 | 09.02.97 | News

  ANAHEIM, CA—Controversy has erupted throughout the Christian Contemporary music scene in the wake of last Friday's allegations that the Anaheim-area Christian rock trio Wÿtness "kicks ass." more»

  

• Magic-Store Employee Not The Same Since Losing Virginity

  ISSUE 38•15 | 04.24.02 | News

  ANAHEIM, CA—Scottie Reuss, 22, a longtime employee of Merlin's Magicland, has not been as interested in magic or customer service as he was before his March 27 virginity loss, coworkers reported Monday. more»

  

• Loser Friend Sort Of Doing Better

  ISSUE 43•36 | 09.07.07 | News in Brief

  ANAHEIM, CA—Despite a long history of unstable living arrangements, failed relationships, and an overall inability to get his shit together,... more»

• Woman Begins To Regret Dating Someone Spontaneous

  ISSUE 41•06 | 02.09.05 | News

  AUBURN, CA—After four months of romantic involvement, Wells Fargo mortgage lending assistant Heidi Bird, 27, said Monday that she is beginning to regret getting into a relationship with the carefree Jason Maddox. more»

  

• Area Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

  ISSUE 36•07 | 03.01.00 | News

  AZUSA, CA—In a discovery that may put his relationship in jeopardy, Mark Tillich learned his girlfriend has never seen Apocalypse Now. more»

  

• Missing Girl's Family Really Hates To Part With Reward

  ISSUE 47•47 ISSUE 41•40 | 10.05.05 | News in Brief

  BAKERSFIELD, CA—Although abducted 8-year-old Becca Schwalls has been safely returned to her family, her parents are "sort of having second... more»

• Husband Pretty Sure He Hooked Up Gas Stove Correctly

  ISSUE 34•09 | 09.30.98 | News in Brief

  BAKERSFIELD, CA—Area husband Dan Zollner is "almost positive" that the Hotpoint gas stove he recently purchased is hooked up correctly. "Don't worry, honey, I'm 99.9 percent sure I did it right," Zollner told wife Diane after the fourth installation attempt. "I don't even hear that hissing sound in the back anymore. All the gas seems to be getting into the stove where it belongs." Zollner said he is "real proud" that he was able to hook up the stove without any assistance. more»

• Elaborate Sentence Construction Facilitates Omission Of Word 'Boyfriend'

  ISSUE 43•19 ISSUE 39•27 | 07.16.03 | News in Brief

  BAKERSFIELD, CA—Local Target cashier Lori Spelmann, 23, told coworker Marsha Kimball about her weekend Monday using a winding sentence to facilitate omission of the word "boyfriend." "I didn't get home until late because my friend who is the guy I've been hanging out with a lot for the last five or so weeks locked his keys in his car," Spelmann told Kimball in the Target breakroom. Other words and phrases Spelmann managed to avoid during the run-on sentence included "went on a date," "relationship," and "had sex." more»

• Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

  ISSUE 34•05 | 09.02.98 | News in Brief

  BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found. more»

• High School Student Council Passes Nonbinding Resolution

  ISSUE 43•10 | 03.05.07 | News in Brief

  BARSTOW, CA—In a move intended to send an "unmistakably clear message" to Barstow County High School Principal Robert McCluskey, the... more»

• New Toothbrush Slightly Different From Already Existing, Perfectly Good Toothbrushes

  ISSUE 32•03 | 08.19.97 | News in Brief

  BELMONT, CA—At a press conference Monday, Oral-B Laboratories unveiled its much-anticipated new DentuTek 6.0 toothbrush, touted by its designers as slightly different from the hundreds of perfectly good toothbrushes currently on the market. "This toothbrush design is perfect for those who are not satisfied with the 846 existing toothbrush designs currently on the market," Oral-B director of product development Julianne Wuerfel said. "Finally, the American consumer has an 847th choice." According to Wuerfel, the DentuTek 6.0 features a patented ErgoDynamic(TM) handle, tapered to a curve vector almost .002 inches from its nearest competitor, the Colgate 34-XB, as well as a revolutionary new Tri-Level Bristle-Control System(TM). "We're very excited," Oral-B CEO Palmer Esch said. "Our team of toothbrush designers and engineers labored intensely to develop a toothbrush that fit within the infinitesimally small window of as-yet-undesigned toothbrush styles. And they did it." more»

• Average Time Spent Being Happy Drops To 13 Seconds Per Day

  ISSUE 46•15 | 04.16.10 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—A study published in the latest issue of the Journal Of Social Sciences revealed that the amount of time spent being happy has dropped to an all-time low of 13 nonconsecutive seconds per day. more»

• Liberals Return To Sodomy, Welfare Fraud

  ISSUE 40•45 | 11.10.04 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—No longer occupied by the 2004 election, liberals across the country have returned to the activities they enjoy most: anal sex and cheating the welfare system. "I've been so busy canvassing for the Democratic Party, I haven't had a single moment for suckling at the government's teat or no-holds-barred ass ramming," said Jason Carvelli, an unemployed pro-hemp activist. "Now, my friends and I can finally get back to warming our hands over burning American flags and turning kids gay." Carvelli added that his "number-one priority" is undermining the efforts of freedom-loving patriots everywhere. more»

• Cool Dentist Doesn't Give A Shit About Patients' Flossing

  ISSUE 46•15 | 04.13.10 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—Cool Berkeley-area dentist Marvin Wilson, DDS, has grown in popularity lately due to his laid-back attitude toward regular brushing and flossing, which he "couldn't give two shits about," according to sources. more»

• Study: 100 Percent Of Americans Lead Secret Lives

  ISSUE 40•43 | 10.27.04 | News

  BERKELEY, CA—A study released Monday by the University of California-Berkeley shows that 100 percent of Americans fail to disclose the full truth about what they think and do in private. more»

  

• '90s Punk Decries Punks Of Today

  ISSUE 39•19 | 05.21.03 | News

  BERKELEY, CA–Nineties punk Drew Tolbert, 29, expressed scorn Monday for the punks of today, denouncing them as "phony poseurs unworthy of the word 'punk.'" more»

  

• Area Man's Only Friend Announces: 'You've Got Mail'

  ISSUE 32•03 | 08.19.97 | News

  BERKELEY, CA—Area resident Kenneth Phelan received a message Monday from his only friend, who made a special trip to Phelan's computer terminal to inform him that he had been sent some mail. more»

  

• Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error

  ISSUE 33•05 | 02.11.98 | News

  BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products. more»

  

• Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

  ISSUE 44•27 ISSUE 36•05 | 02.16.00 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter instead of major brands, health-food experts reported Monday. "Store-bought brands like Jif and Skippy are loaded with artificial emulsifiers and preservatives. Some of them even contain brown dyes to make them look more 'peanut buttery,'" Dunst said. "This all-natural Sunset Farms peanut butter contains absolutely nothing but fresh peanuts and a little bit of sea salt–and, as an added bonus, the jar is glass instead of plastic." Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie." more»

• Customer Awkwardly Accepts One Cent, Receipt

  ISSUE 35•14 | 04.14.99 | News in Brief

  BERKELEY, CA—Coffeehouse patron Lenny Niyo awkwardly accepted one cent and a receipt Monday after purchasing a $1.99 biscotti. "It made me feel kind of cheap, standing there waiting for six or seven seconds while the receipt printed out and the cashier put away my singles and got the penny, but it would have looked weird if I'd just walked away, too," Niyo said. "It's not like I wanted the receipt. I was sure the biscotti would work out fine." Niyo has reportedly not been this humiliated in a food-service environment since May 1998, when a waiter told him to enjoy his meal and he replied, "You, too." more»

• Lack Of Pre-Teen Cosmetic Surgery May Pose 'Serious Self-Esteem Risk,' Say Beverly Hills Doctors

  ISSUE 32•04 | 08.26.97 | News

  BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Children who do not receive corrective cosmetic surgery before puberty run a serious self-esteem risk "from which they may never recover," claims a study released Monday by a team of leading Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. more»