The Onion got all excited last week after we thought we discovered a septapus, but it turns out it was just a regular dumb octopus hiding one of its stupid tentacles. The Onion regrets the error.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.