AKRON, MI—According to a hastily written police report, anywhere from several to half a dozen people were killed at some point Monday in what officers described as a tragic shooting or stabbing of some kind. "It was hard to get an exact body count, because the ambulances were obstructing our view, and we were in kind of a hurry to make our dinner reservation," wrote Sgt. Ken Morris, who in his description of the scene stated that, from where he was standing, a couple of victims appeared to have been killed execution style. "But if I had to guess, my gut tells me maybe about five people were shot." At press time, details from the one person who witnessed the crime were unavailable, as Morris gave up on the interview when his pen ran out of ink.
More News in Brief
Grown Adult Walks Right Into Karate Studio
CAPE CORAL, FL—Marcus Webster, a full-grown adult with a job, responsibilities, and who stopped being 10 years old over 25 years ago, was observed ...
Woman Apparently Wants To Smell Edible
SAN FRANCISCO—Using such products as pineapple-scented shampoo and raspberry sorbet body wash, 28-year-old Stephanie Holden apparently likes to smell like she wants other people ...
Fans Of Green Screens, Incredibly Fake-Looking Things Express Love For Modern Cinema
NEW YORK—Self-proclaimed fans of artificially sleek movies that at no point appear as though they contain real human beings onscreen in real locations doing ...



2
