CLAREMONT, CA—From the moment she first laid eyes on his clumsy, haphazardly sprayed graffiti tag, Pomona College sophomore Jessica Tisselo has been completely enamored with 24-year-old shitty street artist Adam Zane, the love-struck Tisselo told reporters Thursday.
"Adam is so hot," gushed Tisselo, 19, who six months ago would never have imagined she'd be dating an avid graffiti painter with absolutely no grasp of light or perspective. "Everything about his art is just so fascinating—from his sloppy stencil work, to his total lack of compositional understanding, to the places where he paints, which are completely obscured from view because he's a huge coward and is terrified of getting caught."
"And if that weren't sexy enough, he's also probably one of the worst DJs I've heard in my life," she continued. "I've never been so in love!"
According to sources, Tisselo met Zane—who goes by the graffiti handle Slyce—last summer when friends took her to an annoyingly self-aware dive bar that the terrible street artist frequents. Tisselo quickly found herself drawn to Zane's sleeve tattoos of clichéd geishas, koi, and other trite Japanese imagery, as well as his unnecessarily overstretched earlobes, prompting her to strike up a conversation.
After Zane spoke at length about the overpriced street-fashion clothing line his friend and fellow shitty graffiti artist Acid Flexx had started, he reportedly walked the enraptured Tisselo to a nearby disgusting alleyway to see some of his work, which included several pathetic attempts at a shadowed version of his tag, and what Tisselo described as "something that probably started out as a boom box, but became a crappy-looking UFO."
However, it wasn't until he invited her to come watch him do a painfully long and boring DJ set the following week at a party in an abandoned warehouse that Tisselo knew she and Zane were meant for each other.
"It was magical; every song he played was worse than the one that came before it," she said, recalling how turned on she was that anyone would have paid to subject themselves to such an excruciating performance by a person calling himself DJ KillCandy. "Just seeing him up there wearing a winter hat in the middle of July with one earphone stupidly draped over his ear, I could totally feel myself falling for him."
"Later that night he showed me these embarrassingly lame break-dancing moves," she continued. "That was when I knew I was in love."
In addition to being bowled over by his lack of talent as a graffiti artist and DJ, Tisselo said she was also smitten by how spectacularly bad Zane's photography was.
"For my birthday this year, Adam framed one of his black-and-white shots of a dirty supermarket loading dock, which was so sweet, because I could just imagine all the asinine thoughts going through his head while he was taking it," said Tisselo, noting that Zane probably thought his image of a tipped-over garbage can was unique and brilliant. "Any retarded hack with a $10 disposable camera could have taken that photo, and I'm going to cherish the cheap, thoughtless, and incredibly self-involved gift for the rest of my life."
Recently the relationship has become serious enough for Tisselo to bring Zane home to meet her parents, whose opinion of the unemployed 24-year-old, while extremely low to begin with, reportedly continues to decline.
"We were all sitting around the dinner table the other night, and apropos of nothing, Adam launched into a story about how he and some of his shitty artist friends went sticker-bombing on some city buses," a blushing and smiling Tisselo said. "From the looks on their faces I could tell my mom and dad thought he was a huge idiot, and I have to agree, they are 100 percent right."
"I think we're going to get married someday," she added.