CHICAGO—Offering low annual deductibles and negotiable premiums for college students and redheads, officials from sleazy medical insurer Vance's Health Plan announced Tuesday they would begin covering any routine check-up or medical procedure they can sit silently and watch. "VHP offer a range of choices to meet the needs of individuals, couples, two women, two men, a pair of ebon beauties, and families," president and CEO Vance Shelton said. "Even if you have a preexisting obesity condition, you can still receive full coverage. We got a guy who's into that." According to promotional brochures, the plan will also cover any generic medications that will make you loosen up and slip into this.