Smart Stock-Market Investing

  • Invest everything in Morton Salt, then run around screaming, "The Slug-men are coming! The Slug-men are coming!"
  • Before choosing a brokerage firm, carefully study the TV commercials of several firms. Go with the one with the most impressive ads.
  • When your stock begins to drop, gesticulate wildly to coax it back in the right direction. (Note: Also works in bowling.)
  • Instead of investing in stocks, why not invest your time and energy in your community? You will reap dividends far more precious than wealth.
  • Stock-market losses are only losses on paper. Use Wite-Out to your advantage.
  • Keep a close eye on Dan Aykroyd and Eddie Murphy. They may try to outfox you and your cold-hearted brother.
  • Diversify your portfolio with some colored yarn or pictures clipped from magazines.
  • Many small, privately held companies are now issuing IPOs, often with incredible success. Among those rumored to be going public: The West End Valu-Shopper, The Marzipan Bunny Sweet Shoppe, and www.geocities.com/chadspage/favekornpics.html.
  • Wait until stocks are just about to soar in value, then buy lots of them. When they've gone as high as they're going to go, sell them all.
  • Take your screeching trophy wife's advice: Invest all your money in designer handbags.
  • If at all possible, start out with $80 million. This will reduce both the pressure on you and the risks involved.
  • Ask your company if it offers an employee stock plan. If it doesn't, consider working for a different gas station.
  • Go to a financial advisor and act as if you understand and are carefully weighing what they say, then blindly do whatever they tell you.
  • Invest in your friends' band. They rock.
  • When examining the balance sheet of a corporation, a good sign of health is an assets-to-liabilities ratio of two to one. Then again, if you understand that, you're probably a rich prick who doesn't need any more money.