SNØRRI SNØRRISSON (SWEDEN): This intimidating competitor is unparalleled on the steeper slopes, is the best axman in the event, once fashioned a sled from the rib cage of his extra dog and, according to Norse naming conventions, is his own father

JOHN MACKENZIE (CANADA): Despite his considerable talent, MacKenzie has never won a major Snøkåathlaan event, leading to rumors he may not be a very good snøkåathllete

PYOTR "THE CANNIBAL" GLADKOVSKY (RUSSIA): One of the last Cold War-era Olympians and a true survivor, Gladkovsky's only weakness is a tendency to gain weight proportional to the number of men who go missing in a given race

VITTORE BEÑAT (FRANCE): Considered the best spelunker, horseman, and skater in international Snøkåathlaan, Beñat is hindered by the fact that skating has nothing whatsoever to do with the sport