I know you've been attending a lot of parties recently. And while you may think your dad is clueless, I'm clued-in enough to realize that pretty soon you're going to start experimenting with sex. Nothing much I can do about it, I realize. But I do want to tell you one thing: No matter how old you get, or how many partners you have, you will always remember your first time. Why? Because I'm going to film it.

I can hardly believe you've grown so fast. It seems like just yesterday I was videotaping your conception.

Well, I'm proud of you. You've come a long way in 16 years, and so has video-recording technology. Today's digital cameras have far better resolution than the one I used just four short years ago to capture the wonder of your body becoming that of a young man's.

This is a big step you're about to make, and your first time should be special. So make sure you share it with the right person. Someone you can trust and feel comfortable with. Like, for example, Judi, from down the street. She seems like she'd be an ideal candidate, if only she were a couple years older. Actually, she's perfect. Let's go with her.

You see, son, I'm determined to get this right. I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. The image quality from my first time is very poor. I could barely make out what was going on. It comes off as so awkward and uncomfortable without any close-ups or cutaways. To tell you the truth, as drunk as I was, I'm surprised I even had the camera pointing in the right direction. I want you to have the quality first time that I couldn't. I want a milestone the whole family can enjoy each time I decide to pull out the tape for viewing. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, family movie night, whenever.

There's no need to worry. The first time can be magical. Electrifying, even. When you're in bed with that special someone, your young, taut bodies entwined in pleasure and passion, nothing else in the world matters. Everything around you just fades away. I can't explain it, son. We'll have to watch it a few times before I can put it into words.

Sure, it can also be a bit nerve-racking, what with the boom mike hanging over the bed. But you don't have to worry. I'll be right there, behind the camera, giving you direction. Uncle Gary will be there, too. He'll be in charge of lighting and shooting B-roll. All you have to do is relax and act natural. Just ask your sister. Or better yet, let's watch the tape of her first time. It'll put your mind at ease.

And let's not forget the most important part: protection. I can't stress this enough, so please listen very carefully. Whoever it is you decide to share your first sexual experience with, always be sure you get them to sign the all-purpose waiver relieving us from any and all liability.

I think you're ready now, son. Don't forget what we've talked about. And don't forget that you'll always remember your first time. And your second, third, and fourth times, too.