Millions of Americans are addicted to smoking. If you are among them but don't want to be, here are some tips to help you kick the habit.

Stop Smoking Tips

  • Avoid doing things you associate with smoking, such as drinking, eating, walking, and being awake.
  • Get thrown in jail, where cigarettes can only be acquired in exchange for painful sexual favors.
  • Lobby your elected representatives to pass a $6,913 sales tax on packs of cigarettes.
  • Write a rap song about how smoking is not cool. Perform it at local elementary schools.
  • Move to California, where tobacco possession is illegal.
  • Avoid thinking about the rich, full flavor of Benson & Hedges.
  • Fill your home with motivational placards bearing such slogans as, "Smoking Is For Pussies" and "Only A Fucking Retard Would Even Think About Smoking."
  • Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. If a loved one quits smoking, keep an ashtray around as a handy substitute.
  • Attractive people smoke because it makes them look cool. Acknowledge that you are neither attractive nor cool.
  • Cover yourself in egg whites. No one knows why this works.
  • Join a stop-smoking support group. Be sure it's one that meets on a different night than your other six support groups.
  • Hypnotism has helped many people quit, but you risk becoming the hypnotist's slave. It's your choice: quitting smoking or freedom.
  • Teach yourself a valuable lesson by slowly dying of lung cancer.