0WASHINGTON, DC—Congress will receive a visit later this week from strapping young man Johnny Armstrong, Beltway sources reported Tuesday. The robust, corn-fed 20-year-old is expected to discuss numerous key issues and impress legislators with his sturdy frame and genial, easygoing manner. "What a fine young man," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said of the all-American boy with the winning grin. "Johnny Armstrong gives me hope for the future of this nation." "I don't know what he is going to speak about," Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) said, "but what a charming, handsome young fellow--much better than the pale, uncharismatic sort we usually get around here."
More News in Brief
Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim
WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation ...
Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing
SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual ...
Man Eating McChicken Sandwich Can Tell McDonald's Switched Up Antibiotics
SEATTLE—Citing “subtle notes of ethambutol and clindamycin,” longtime McDonald’s customer Chris Hingle reported Thursday that he could discern from the taste of his ...
