NEW YORK—A recent survey published in AARP The Magazine indicates that 95 percent of the nation's retired dads are in fact "busier than ever," despite the absence of meaningful, full-time employment.

"I tell you, I've been spending so much time getting blanking plugs for the house's unused electrical outlets that I hardly even have time to make lists of other things to do," said former heart surgeon Gerald Jessop, 65, who admitted that he would like to be able to relax and enjoy his retirement, but with all the pictures to rearrange in his house it is nearly impossible. "And don't get me started on my how many hours I have to spend cleaning the mildew out of the bird feeder. Christ, that's a full-time job in and of itself."

According to the survey, the five percent of retired fathers who do not consider themselves busier than ever reportedly do not have hedges, drawers full of loose batteries, ants getting in through the foundation, or a basement that can be partially converted into some kind of room.