RENO, NV—Despite the repeated efforts of Reno resident Ken Hartley, a stupid thing that cost $185 will not work as of press time Tuesday. "The stupid thing won't work," a visibly angered Hartley told reporters. "You're supposed to hit both buttons at once, and then a number lights up, and you turn the switch to the 'on' position," he said, "but all I keep getting is these two dashes instead of numbers." Hartley went on to state what a royal pain in the ass it was just to get the stupid thing out of the box; how mad he is that the thing doesn't even come with a warranty; and how annoying it was to call the 1-800 tech-support number included in the stupid thing's stupid booklet, only to get a useless pre-recorded message.