When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning:

• Block out harmful UV rays with giant magnifying glass.
• Always sit at least 100 yards from sun.
• When applying sunscreen, get children on the beach to help with those hard-to-reach spots.
• UV rays can damage the corneas; don't forget to rub a good sunscreen into your eyes.
• Risk of sunburn is especially high while swimming; strap on a thick lead suit before entering water.
• Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using safer, more distant star like Beta-Sirius.
• When tanning, always alternate who's on top.
• Before going outside, check sun's strength by placing test baby in driveway for 1/2 hour.
• Avoid harmful UV rays; live underground until your descendants evolve into eyeless, albino mole people.
• Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous—avoid them.
• For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow sun may cause superpowers; use only for good.
• Tanning is safest when done in short spurts; disrobe for just a couple of seconds every few blocks while walking through town.
• Allow thick, protective melanoma to grow all over skin.
• Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.