The two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl are full of hype, hoopla, and pageantry. Onion Sports picks the must-see events for the discerning fan:

Special event outside of stadium allows fans to fracture their spine between their third and fourth vertebrae, have a special chilled-saline catheter inserted to lower their body temperature, and then have four-hour-long surgery to insert rods into their reconfigured spines

Peter King will present a three-hour preview special done in the spirit of his column that somehow winds up concentrating on why he likes figure skating, his daughter's improving tennis game, and where to get good coffee in Arizona

Rick Reilly will go aloft over the stadium in the Goodyear Blimp in a marathon flight for charity; if the Make-A-Wish Foundation receives $1 million, blimp will land without Reilly

Media Week, in which the nation gets to see how their favorite players react to seven days' worth of interviews without sleeping, eating, or showering

Howie Long hosts a barrage of specials featuring remarkable NFL players past and present, including Howie Long's Tough Guys, Howie Long's Dumb Guys, Howie Long's Black Guys, and Howie Long's Dead Guys

During breaks, Fox will air pre-taped messages urging the purchase of consumer goods and services

Amped-up Bud Bowl XIX, featuring rising young stars such as Tom Brewy and Eli Canning

Festivities will culminate in a reality show as players from the Giants and Patriots compete in four 15-minute segments to see who can score the most points