Former super-couple Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are making it official with one of the highest-profile divorces in sports. Here's how it will work:

  • Couple will evenly split 8-foot-tall pile of money in the spare bedroom
  • Joint custody of the caddy
  • Woods required to hire cleaning company to remove skank juice from living room carpeting
  • Elin is entitled to half of Tiger's collection of strap-ons, double dildos, leather handcuffs, feather ticklers, nipple clamps, vibrating cock rings, pleasure wands, Fleshlights, anal plugs, cock slings, and Rim Raiders
  • Tiger Woods will keep all of the $178 million in cash he stashed in an offshore account in anticipation of just this sort of thing
  • Couple will have shared custody of the children, with Woods seeing them every other decade
  • Tiger gets the couple's Ford Festiva
  • Elin is now the face of Gillette Mach 3 razors