Jesus, we messed up—we messed up big time. Oh, God, we didn't mean to do it, okay? It just happened. Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Onion, come on, just think. Fuck! Okay, okay, we can do this. We'll just move him into the basement and think things through from there.
An article yesterday repeatedly referred to Hillary Clinton as “the birthday girl.” This was unprofessional and entirely inaccurate.
The Onion apologizes for its failure to meet the oh-so-high editorial standards of a genius such as yourself.
The headline of Tuesday's article about homegrown terrorism was not as alarmist as it could have been.