Every day, new parents across the country are confronted with the question of whether to circumcise their infant sons. Here are the strongest arguments for and against circumcision:

FOR

  • Penis tans more evenly
  • Kid already European enough as it is
  • Never have to wash genitals
  • Lots of really cute cuts available these days
  • Frames the balls better
  • Baby will probably have some leftover painkillers
  • Not our penis we’re talking about here

AGAINST

  • Penis loses value once removed from original packaging
  • Get to describe baby as “my fully intact son”
  • Mohel looks like he’s had about eight cups of coffee
  • Probably have to do some paperwork
  • Not performing circumcision immediately after birth allows parents to hold it threateningly over son’s head for rest of life
  • Traditional family gathering just as enjoyable without foreskin
  • Some individuals wary of having someone cut off a piece of their penis with a knife