Watch and Review Our New Show: Onion News Empire
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    The Clinton Years

    Slideshow • ISSUE 40•33 • Aug 17, 2004
    • Facebook35
    • Twitter1
    • Google Plus0
    • Clinton Vaguely Disappointed By Lack Of Assassination Attempts

      CHAPPAQUA, NY—President Clinton doesn't want to be remembered as the president who wasn't worth a couple pot shots.
      1 of 22
    • Clinton Declares Self President For Life

      WASHINGTON, DC—Denouncing the American electoral process, Bill Clinton announced he will not leave his post.
      2 of 22
    • Clinton Goes Back In Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton

      3 of 22
    • Clinton Suffering From Senioritis, White House Sources Say

      WASHINGTON, DC—With his final term winding down, President Clinton can’t wait to get out of the White House for good.
      4 of 22
    • Clinton Becomes First President To Clear 18 Feet In Pole Vault

      5 of 22
    • Gore Already Regretting Promise To Help Clinton Move Out

      WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton is still 10 months away from leaving the White House, but Al Gore is already regretting his promise to help him move out, the vice-president admitted Monday.
      6 of 22
    • Cousin Oliver To Join White House For Last Year Of Clinton Presidency

      WASHINGTON, DC–President Clinton announced Monday that he has invited his tow-headed 8-year-old cousin Oliver to live with him at the White House during the final year of his presidency.
      7 of 22
    • Clinton Blows Entire Paycheck

      WASHINGTON, DC—After refusing comment on the matter for days, President Clinton finally admitted Monday that he blew his most recent paycheck, failing to deposit it into the joint checking account he shares with his wife and instead spending it on a variety of items of dubious necessity.
      8 of 22
    • Clinton Writes Fan Letter To Joan Jett

       WASHINGTON, DC—In what White House sources are calling
      9 of 22
    • Clinton Molested By Visiting Uncle

      WASHINGTON, DC—A confused President Clinton tearfully announced Monday that he was molested by his uncle Carl.
      10 of 22
    • Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

       WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the free world, President Clinton ordered top military scientists to inject his body with a highly unstable experimental growth serum Monday.
      11 of 22
    • Clinton Takes Leave Of Office To Stand In Line For Star Wars: Episode I

      WASHINGTON, DC—Citing
      12 of 22
    • Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad

      WASHINGTON, DC—At a special press conference on the White House lawn Monday, President Clinton unveiled
      13 of 22
    • ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod

      WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton's approval rating skyrocketed Monday with his acquisition of the keys to the Eliminator hot rod.
      14 of 22
    • Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It'

      WASHINGTON, DC—In a tense standoff with far-reaching implications for both the free world and the president's ironclad code of honor, President Clinton made an impassioned plea to PLO terrorists Monday to
      15 of 22
    • Clinton Found Alive

      16 of 22
    • Clinton Makes Federal Budget Proposal More Dynamic With Color Charts From Kinko's

      WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton wowed Congress with a revised balanced-budget proposal Monday, utilizing eye-catching, easy-to-read color charts printed at Kinko's to win over Republican opponents.
      17 of 22
    • Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

      WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files he called
      18 of 22
    • Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

      WASHINGTON, DC—Crime, health care and campaign finance reform were the top issues on the agenda for President Clinton's breakfast meeting with a magic turtle at the White House Monday.
      19 of 22
    • Jawa Appointed Secretary Of Transportation

      20 of 22
    • Clinton Adopts New 'No Fear' Foreign Policy

      WASHINGTON, DC—In what observers are calling a "radically intense" move, President Clinton unveiled a new "No Fear" foreign policy approach Monday, stating that in the future, nations dealing with the U.S. should "Bring Your Spine Or Ride The Pine."
      21 of 22
    • Clinton Takes Stand Against Harmful UV Radiation

      22 of 22
    • More Slideshows

      Start Over

      Recently in Slideshow See More >

      Lifestyle

      Lifestyle

      News

      Travel

      News

      Unsponsored

      Recent News

      Everyone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s PartyObama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First TermNation Supposes It's Outraged By White House ScandalsCoworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little FuckerCall From Daycare Can't Be GoodJoint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted ToThe Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project

      Recent Videos

      ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Brave, Heroic Woman,’ Says Blogger Who Once Said She Looks Like An Alien

      Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking AwesomePossum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

      • Veep, "Andrew"

      • Mad Men, "The Crash"

      • Family Guy, "Road To Vegas/No Country Club For Old Men"

      • How to Traumatize Your Children Book

      • Assorted Headlines Pint Glasses

      • Cheat to Win Bracelet

      • Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M.

      • There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

      • The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

      Follow The Onion

      Receive The Newsletter

      • Onion News Empire
      • The Onion Live!
      • Personals
      • FAQ
      • Contact Us
      • Jobs
      • Media Kit
      • Privacy Policy
      • Franchising
      • RSS & Apps

      The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved