Last week, the nation was outraged to learn that members of the division responsible for the calamitous credit default swaps that brought down AIG would receive bonuses. Who got the bonuses and why?

Doorman Arnie Frank: Opened the door in the front of the building, which let everyone into the office

Vice president William Cage: Figured out they could give themselves obscene bonuses and there would be nothing anyone could do about it

Financial Engineer David Kang: Suggested using the term "credit default swaps" instead of the original name "shitty insurance on bizarre abstractions with absolutely no chance of payment in the event of underlying bond default"

Trader Edward Goldman: Slicked-back hair and monogrammed money clip reminded coworkers why they were screwing people over in the first place

Associate Kevin Rechter: Has two children to support, and they both require horses

Analyst Linda Tarrey: Felt strongly that AIG should not have behaved as it did

Executive vice president Gerald Huntley: Won the "How long until the public finds out about this shit?" office pool

Former division president Joe Cassano: Almost single-handedly drove the entire company—and nearly the global financial system—into the ground, which, you have to admit, is pretty impressive