I've been getting calls all day saying, "Shelby, you have me terrified. Tell me some more about these Decoy Muslims." All right, listen up, because I'm about to tell you what you should do next time you see someone who looks Muslimish. TAKE ACTION, that's what. Whether he's a convenience store worker, a police officer, or your doctor, the only smart move you have is to tie him up and start searching him for bombs.

Now, you should be warned that some of your more naive friends may be alarmed by this. "No no," they'll say, "that's Fahad from accounting, he's a great guy" or "That's my daughter's violin teacher, Ms. Patel. She can't be a Decoy Muslim" or "That's Jerry. He's just really tan." DON'T LISTEN TO THEM, PEOPLE. That's what the terrorists want you to think! These Decoy Muslims are trained to make you SOFT. You either wake up today or you get blown up tomorrow! It's that simple!

Let me tell you something: last week, I shoved a 79 year-old woman to the ground, handcuffed her, had her arrested for treason, and didn't break a sweat. And this wasn't a stranger, folks -- Mrs. Hassan lived next door to my parents for 56 years, saved my father from a heart attack when he collapsed on his NordicTrack, and was the only person who showed up to support me during the 1977 Women's Collegiate Rugby National Championships. But did that sway me? ABSOLUTELY NOT. A terrorist is a terrorist. I marched over to her house last Tuesday afternoon, returned a casserole dish she'd brought over, then took her neck straight to the carpet. You can't show ANY mercy, people, or they'll have us right where they want us.

Al Qaeda may have won round one, but you can bet your hat that America's gonna win all the other rounds that there are.