The Daily Bump: The Buzz On Howie Mandel's Oscars
Star Fix Reporter
So long, Anne and James! In a surprise move, funnyman Howie Mandel was tapped to be the new host the 83rd Academy Awards, according to sources inside Mandel's imagination. What can we expect from the telecast now that Howie is daydreaming he's at the helm? Our Star Fix mind-reporters give us a sneak peek of what we can expect Sunday night.
The biggest musical number in Oscars history: The performance will feature 1,000 dancers wearing costumes made of colored feathers, dancing holographs of dozens of famous screen actors from history, and a pyrotechnics show just like the one Howie remembers seeing at a Van Halen concert in 1988. Mandel himself will amaze the crowd with the his incredible tap dancing as sings a rendition of the number-one hit song "Howie Wowie."
Alyssa Milano: The actress Alyssa Milano will sit in the front row and wink seductively at Howie Mandel throughout the ceremony, Mandel imagines.
A pure white light: An intense yet soothing white light from an unknown source will fill the Kodak Theater during the ceremony, cleansing it entirely of germs.
A feat of modern comedy: Robin Williams and George Carlin (whom Mandel will imagine faked his death) will step forward to respectively praise the Oscars broadcast as "the best single Oscars in history all due to the host" and "the defining comedic work of the past century." Mandel's jokes will be wildly imaginative, sardonic and biting but also good-natured, each one landing perfectly thanks to Mandel's beloved manic delivery.
A five-hour broadcast: Mandel’s hilarious asides will send the audience into extended fits of laughter that cause the Oscars to run three hours long but no one will care because everyone is having such a good time. Before the telecast has even concluded, Mandel will be deluged with offers from television executives with offers for ten times the amount of money he earns as a judge on "America's Got Talent," a job everyone always knew was beneath him.
Mandel's relationship with his father will be mended: Howie Mandel's performance at the imagined Oscar ceremony will finally convince his father Al that his son's career is respectable. Immediately after the ceremony, Al Mandel will appear backstage, where he will greet Howie and tell him that he is sorry for telling Howie at a holiday gathering in 2006 that Howie was embarrassing the family by acting like a “damn faggoty clown.” Howie Mandel imagines that his father will then hug him and say that he loves him.
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Former prosecutor Shelby Cross takes no prisoners in her quest for justice. Whether she's berating a grieving mother for allowing her infant son to get murdered or advising viewers on how to make themselves unappealing to date rapists, Shelby Cross has your back.
As the co-host of the highest-rated morning show on the Onion News Network, Tracy Gill has interviewed thousands of celebrities, public figures, and newsworthy widows. Listed as one of Forbes’ Fiftysomething Most Powerful Women In Television, Gill founded the charity "Umbrellas Of Love" which seeks to spread the word about the dangers of flying debris through ad campaigns and educational programs. (Gill's own childhood friend was killed by an errant piece of plywood while waterskiing.) In order to meet the demanding schedule for Today Now!, Tracy generally only sleeps three hours a day, rising at 2 a.m. to begin the drive to the Onion News Network studios. Gill is the subject of an in-depth biography, “Over the Flames an Eagle Soared: The Tracy Gill Story,” which addressed media claims she is a cutthroat opportunist. In defense of Gill, the author likens Gill to an eagle -- a beautiful and respected figure, but one that must protect itself to survive. Gill is currently married to wealthy television mogul Bob Johanson. 
Co-hosting FactZone is a dream come true for Tucker Hope. Not only does it give Tucker the chance to work side-by-side with the most respected name and most beautiful face in news, it provides the opportunity to use the touchscreen manipulation skills he has been honing since junior high on a touchscreen set up in his family's living room. In fact, Tucker was home-schooled to allow him to focus on perfecting his pinching and zooming and practicing his pronunciation of "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." In order to be at the ready or perhaps to keep an eye over his touchscreen, Tucker never leaves the studio, sleeping on a cot he set up behind his Recon Wall. Due to a contract stipulation created by Brooke, Tucker doesn't get paid by the Onion News Network but receives whatever the gracious FactZone host herself feels like he earned that week. 
