Great pre-dawn, questionable everything else
    • Facebook
    • Twitter
    • Follow @TheOnion
Show/Hide Navigation
  • Video
  • Politics
  • Sports
  • Business
  • Science/Tech
  • Entertainment
  • Breaking
  • More
    • Video
    • Politics
    • Sports
    • Business
    • Science/Tech
    • Entertainment
    • Breaking

    The Elderly

    Slideshow • ISSUE 44•35 • Aug 10, 2008
    • Facebook11
    • Twitter0
    • Google Plus0
    • Nation’s Grandmothers Swept Up In Textile-Messaging Craze

      1 of 10
    • Area Senior Remembers A Simpler Time When His Anus Didn't Leak

      CARSON CITY, NV—Once, movies were a quarter, soda pop only cost a nickel, and Hank Fletcher's sphincter was strong enough to expand and contract when he intended.
      2 of 10
    • More Companies Phasing Out Retirement Option

      NEW YORK—With companies' pension funds dwindling as retirees enjoy longer lives, many U.S. business have opted to freeze their workers' employment status.
      3 of 10
    • Area Grandmother Tries Indian Food

      BLOOMINGTON, MN—Witnesses report Eileen Rutherford, 78, was overwhelmed by the unusual aromas but appeared delighted when a recognizable pea rolled out of her samosa.
      4 of 10
    • Area Man Good For The Economy

      5 of 10
    • Human Affection Now Available Only From Grandparents, Down Syndrome Children

      SEATTLE—In findings likely to have major ramifications on interpersonal relations throughout society, researchers at the University of Washington's Institute For Advanced Behavioral Studies announced Monday that human affection—the unconditional expression of feelings of warmth and approval toward another individual—is now only available from two sources: grandparents born before the year 1938 and children afflicted with the genetic disorder Down Syndrome.
      6 of 10
    • Grandfathers Accidentally Switched At Hospital

      LOS ANGELES—Hospital officials informed Janice Redding that the man her family knew as "Grandpa" for the past half-year actually belonged to someone else.
      7 of 10
    • New Old People Magazine Gives Old People Something To Read While Waiting To Die

      The tedious pre-death
      8 of 10
    • Elderly Man Silently Wages War Against Pharmacy

      AKRON, OH—Local retiree Gerald Stennis, 87, has been waging a silent war against the Copley Road Walgreens for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday.
      9 of 10
    • Seminal School-Portrait Photographer Dies At 92

      PHOENIX—Henry Anszczak, the photographer whose influential work revolutionized modern school portraiture, died Sunday at his family home in Eloy. He was 92.
      10 of 10
    • More Slideshows

      Start Over
      • Technology

      • The Week In Review

      • Portrait Of A Man With His Fly Down

      • The Week In Review

      • The Week In Review

    Recently in Slideshow See More >

    News

    Lifestyle

    Lifestyle

    News

    Travel

    News

    Recent News

    Father Excitedly Tells 10-Year-Old Son About New Video Game System‘Our Thoughts Go Out To Oklahoma,’ Says Congressman Mentally Calculating When He Can Bring Up Benghazi Again24-Year-Old Receives Sage Counsel From Venerable 27-Year-Old2013 Year In Review Photo Essay Shaping Up To Be Quite HorrificAmericans Dredge Up Last Remaining Reserves Of GriefMan Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Missions To Focus Largely On Tutoring, Community Outreach

    Recent Videos

    Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

    David Fincher To Helm YouTube’s First Hour-Long Drama Series 'Turtle Has Sex With Shoes'Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

    • Savage Love: May 22, 2013

    • DVD: HomeVideo Review: My Neighbor Totoro / Howl's Moving Castle

    • TV: TV Club 10: What made The Middle one of the best family comedies in years

    • How to Traumatize Your Children Book

    • Assorted Headlines Pint Glasses

    • Cheat to Win Bracelet

    • The Best Of Today Now!: Fresh Roasted Cup Of News

    • Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Cafe Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

    • Your Insides Look Like Smashed Tomatoes - Dr. Good - Ep. 1

    Follow The Onion

    Receive The Newsletter

    • Onion News Empire
    • The Onion Live!
    • Personals
    • FAQ
    • Contact Us
    • Jobs
    • Media Kit
    • Privacy Policy
    • Franchising
    • RSS & Apps

    The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age. ©Copyright 2013 Onion Inc. All rights reserved