Are you the kind of asshole who can't get enough Crate & Barrel? If so, find the right presents to liven up your home this holiday season in The Onion's gift guide for the home.


Ceramic Family Soup Bowl

Enjoy stews, bisques, chowders, and chilis with the entire family around this six-foot-wide, four-foot-deep ceramic soup bowl. You can start your mornings off right by sharing a communal bowl of cereal with all your loved ones or bond over late-night popcorn or ice cream—the possibilities are endless with this handsome eight-person tabletop bowl.


Handcrafted Soaps Your Aunt Will Fucking Shit Herself Over

One look at these artisan-crafted, small-batch soaps and your aunt is guaranteed to shit all fucking over herself. She’ll completely drench her drawers in her own fecal matter when you mention that each bar features fragrant lavender and chamomile essential oils. Available individually or in bowel-clearing sets of six.


Flames Of The World Collection

Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector's set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage, Appalachian tinder, residential, chemical plant, Tokyo five-alarm, and sagebrush.


Punching Doug

Easily hung from any ceiling or freely standing on his own, this 43-year-old man can be repeatedly hit and kicked in any part of the body to help you let off a little steam or as part of your daily training routine. Go ahead, punch him down—he pops right back up, smiling and covered in blood! Limited quantity; order now.


Mitsubishi LaserVue 75" Novelty TV

Send friends and family into fits of hysterics with this hilariously oversized television that measures three-and-a-half feet tall and over five feet wide! The comically large images, presented in high-definition 1080p, are guaranteed to leave your guests doubled over in laughter. $4,499.


Sharp Knife

Look at it. Just look at how its edge glints in the light. Imagine its cold handle clenched in your fist. Imagine the freedom it could give you—the freedom you’ve been craving for so long. Could it solve all your problems?


Metal Lovers’ Two-Door Hutch With Metal

Featuring prominent metal detailing, sturdy metal legs, and satin-finish metal hardware, the signature hutch in our Metal Lovers’ line—clad in lustrous metal panels, brushed sheet metal, and metal veneers—reflects the extraordinary qualities that set metal apart from the rest. Hutch features adjustable-height metal shelves. Both doors are metal.


Framed Gift Guide

Let the memories of your holiday shopping live on the whole year through with a matted and framed collector’s edition of this very gift guide, lithograph-printed on archival quality paper. The perfect gift guide is now the perfect gift!