The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012
Greg Ogletree: The Man Inside The Mars Rover
NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year when he successfully touched down on the Red Planet and began driving the vehicle across its surface. In addition to Ogletree’s primary task of guiding the rover around Mars using its steering wheel, pedals, and gear stick, the 44-year-old is also charged with verbally describing the Martian landscape to mission control, keeping an eye out for water, and tasting soil samples.
2012 was a banner year for forcible sexual intercourse, as the political, entertainment, and even sports worlds became swept up in the nationwide rape craze. From raping women, to raping young boys, to rape jokes, to rapes resulting in pregnancies, to inflammatory public remarks concerning rape, America simply couldn’t get its fill of brutal sexual defilement this year. And with unwanted violations still hot on the lips of the nation’s top lawmakers, rape doesn’t appear to be going anywhere anytime soon.
Athens, GA resident Scott Jorgenson, the Antichrist, had a particularly noteworthy 2012, purchasing a new condominium in March, finally moving in with his girlfriend, Trish, and remaining intent on provoking the downfall of all humanity. The very incarnation of evil itself, the 32-year-old website designer and spawn of Lucifer also earned a sizable raise at work and, in addition to seeking to undo all that is good and pure in the heart of mankind and retiling his master bathroom all by himself, helped his office bowling team to a league title.
The Minority Or Whatever
2012 was a landmark year for the minority or whatever, who made their voices heard like never before and blah, blah, blah. Many minority groups, including African-Americans, Hispanics, women, same-sex couples, and whoever else took on a more prominent role in the nation’s political discourse, or something along those lines. They also made great strides for better pay and equal employment opportunities, making the case that they deserve to be treated as valuable members of society and whatever other bullshit they were whining about all year.
From Africa and the Middle East to the shopping mall and movie theater right down the road, the assault rifle seemed to be everywhere in 2012. The international and domestic megastar was simply unable to stay out of headlines this year, as the young, the religiously obsessed, and the mentally unstable couldn’t get enough of the fully automatic weapon. With the gun’s popularity only on the rise, 2013 is poised to be an even bigger year for the high-powered military-grade rifle, so keep an eye out for it.
The Internet Commenter
Internet commenter Nick Mayfield, 32, enjoyed a breakout year in 2012, posting on such sites as Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, The Huffington Post, and Buzzfeed. Expressing his views on politics, music, movies, celebrities, sports, general pop culture, and the opinions of other Internet commenters, Mayfield initially burst onto the scene in mid-February after calling a fellow YouTube user a “fukin faggot” for posting a low-resolution trailer for The Avengers.
It was another notable year for 68-year-old Ronald Trump, the older brother of real estate mogul and multimillionaire Donald Trump. The small business owner reported modest profits from his local pizzeria Ronald’s in Newark, NJ, and although he had to be put on medication for high blood pressure in March, he’s doing just fine now.