While most first-time mothers in the United States choose to give birth in hospitals that offer epidurals and additional medical assistance, a growing number of women are opting for drug-free, natural births, often at home. Here are the leading arguments for and against natural childbirth:

PROS

  • Screaming, distressed woman flooded with endorphins and adrenaline gets to be in control of entire situation
  • Women get to have the same full and unspoiled experience of childbirth as ancestors, livestock, woodland animals
  • Can lord it over Karen
  • Offers mothers a more comfortable, non-intrusive means of pushing a child out of their vagina in a room full of people
  • Allows for a variety of birthing positions, such as the Hang Glider, the Roman Candle, and the Cannon, that are impossible after an epidural
  • Constant edge-of-seat excitement over not having medical professionals at the ready should there be any complication whatsoever
  • It’s beautiful, arguably

CONS

  • Lack of epidural denies infant opportunity to enter world with a nice buzz
  • Women may experience longer, more exasperating blog posts
  • Puts child at higher risk of being homeschooled
  • Means passing up rare, exciting opportunity to get massive needle stabbed into cerebrospinal fluid
  • Have to weigh baby on bathroom scale
  • Doula might fuck up APGAR test
  • Baby doesn’t give a shit one way or another