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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•03 • Jan 23, 2012
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    • Dry Humping An Adequate Sex Alternative For Teens, Says Weird, Unsolicited Report From Department Of Interior

      WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, confused White House staffers arrived at their desks Wednesday to find a meticulously researched, entirely unrequested report from the Interior Department assessing dry humping as a suitable sex alternative f...
      1 of 12
    • Bucs To Talk With Marty Schottenheimer About How Lousy He Would Be

      TAMPA BAY, FL—The search for a new Buccaneers head coach has continued in Tampa Bay, where last week team management flew in Marty Schottenheimer, former NFL coach and current head of UFL's Virginia Destroyers, to discuss how utterly terrible he wou...
      2 of 12
    • Poll Finds Americans Would Be Open To Third Type Of Screwdriver Head

      WASHINGTON—A CBS/New York Times poll released Tuesday revealed that while an overwhelming majority of Americans are "more than happy" with the two screwdriver heads currently available to them, 64 percent would be willing to enterta...
      3 of 12
    • Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

      Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.
      4 of 12
    • Prince Fielder Wondering If He Has Truly Free Agency

      NEWPORT BEACH, CA—After meeting with his agent Monday to discuss his free agency prospects, Prince Fielder told reporters he was left wondering if he or any man can ever say his agency is truly free.
      5 of 12
    • Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'

      WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S.
      6 of 12
    • Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

      Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.
      7 of 12
    • Rick Perry Experiences Overwhelming Feeling Of Clarity And Contentment In Final Moments Before Death Of Campaign

      COLUMBIA, SC—Texas governor Rick Perry experienced a profound moment of peace and serenity Thursday morning just before his campaign to be president of the United States slipped away into the darkness, meeting its death.
      8 of 12
    • Tebow’s Defeat Restores Nation’s Faith In God

      Doc and Kenny give us each other hell as Tim Tebow's defeat has millions flocking to God, while the Yankees act like paupers and the Wizards beg for a lockout.
      9 of 12
    • Gross Doctors Recommend Drinking 8 Warm Cups Of Clam Juice A Day

      ATLANTA—A report released Friday by the Centers for Disease Control's Department of Gross Medicine concludes that people should consume eight cups of warm clam juice a day.
      10 of 12
    • Miranda July Called Before Congress To Explain Exactly What Her Whole Thing Is

      WASHINGTON—Congress convened a special investigative committee this week in an attempt to put to rest questions that have puzzled the nation for much of the past decade, namely what public figure Miranda July's whole thing is, exactly. July—of...
      11 of 12
    • Wooden Fruit Hoping To Become Real Fruit One Day

      12 of 12
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