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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•11 • Mar 19, 2012
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    • Alien World To Help Out Syria Since This One Refuses To

      IMPERIAL CITY, PLANET ZARKLOM 12—Frustrated by “the astonishing incapacity of earthlings to halt the rampant slaughter of their own kind” in Syria, the emperor of Zarklom 12 announced Wednesday he had no choice but to dispatch his own in...
      1 of 12
    • Succession Of Terrible Events Fails To Befall 33-Year-Old Riding Longboard To Digital Media Job

      NEW YORK—A series of horrific, devastatingly injurious events failed to befall 33-year-old Flavorpill.com digital media developer Jake Reston as he confidently skated to work on his longboard, shocked witnesses reported today. Hundreds of aghast Man...
      2 of 12
    • Could The Use Of Flying Death Robots Be Hurting America's Reputation Worldwide?

      The First Responders debate the U.S. military's use of drone planes to rain fiery death upon Afghanistan from above.
      3 of 12
    • Black Sheep Of Earnhardt Family Dies In Public Transit Crash

      SAN FRANCISCO—Dr. Terrance Earnhardt, youngest son of the late NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt, died Friday when the light-rail Muni Metro train he was riding home from his oncology practice derailed, delivering one final embarrassment to the racing fa...
      4 of 12
    • Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power

      Socially inclusive hiphop group the Black Eyed Peas have added the wheelchair-bound rapper TruWheel to their line-up, plus more stories in the NewsBlitz.
      5 of 12
    • Obama Waiting For Perfect Moment To Walk By White House Tour Group

      'They're Totally Going To Freak Out,' Excited President Says

      WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama took a break from his national security briefing today in order to wait for just the right moment to stroll casually past an unsuspecting group of visitors taking the daily 9:30 a.m.
      6 of 12
    • Rick Santorum Relieved No One Has Asked Him About Interracial Marriage Yet

      LAFAYETTE, LA—Saying his campaign has "really dodged a bullet so far," Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters today that, much to his relief, no one has asked his opinion on interracial marriage. 
      7 of 12
    • Pathetic Bobcats Owner Again Regaling Players With Tales of His NBA Glory Days

      CHARLOTTE, NC—To the exasperation of his struggling team, the owner of the Charlotte Bobcats has been hanging around the locker room once again this week, telling any and all who will listen about his glory days in the league.
      8 of 12
    • Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary

      Onion News Network political analyst Jason Copeland explains Montana's unique primary process, in which the state's delegates are awarded to the winner of a no-holds-barred street fight.
      9 of 12
    • Supreme Court Justices Drowsily Bid One Another Good Night While Drifting Off To Sleep In Giant Shared Bed

      WASHINGTON—As night settled over the nation’s capital Wednesday and a bright, full moon hung amid the twinkling stars and cast long shadows over the National Mall, all nine Supreme Court justices could be overheard drowsily bidding one another...
      10 of 12
    • Study Finds Owning Cool Leather Jacket More Rewarding Than Raising Children

      SEATTLE—A study released Thursday by the Pacific Parenting Institute found that owning a seriously cool leather jacket is significantly more fulfilling than raising a child to adulthood.
      11 of 12
    • Report: Only Matter Of Time Before A 'SportsCenter' Host Snaps, Blows Brains Out On Live Television

      BRISTOL, CT—Citing the increasingly frenetic pace at which SportsCenter anchors and correspondents are forced to report the same shallow feature items, gushing personality profiles, and artificially inflated news stories, media analysts annou...
      12 of 12
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