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    The Week In Pictures 

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•13 • Apr 2, 2012
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    • Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

      WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use.
      1 of 11
    • Women Voters Can't Help Fawning Over Sexist GOP

      'We Should Know Better, But There's Just Something About Its Unflinching Misogyny,' Says Gushing Female Populace

      WASHINGTON—Saying they know its no good for them but they just can't help themselves, gushing women voters acknowledged Monday the overwhelming and uncontrollable attraction they feel toward the sexist Republican party. Smitten female voters across ...
      2 of 11
    • NFL Panics When Only 17 Prospects Declare For Draft

      NEW YORK—National Football League officials announced Monday that the 2012 player draft, originally scheduled to begin April 26, may have to be rescheduled or restructured, as only 17 college prospects have declared thus far.
      3 of 11
    • Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out

      MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies and daddies, 10-year-old Brandon Thompson needs to just man up and tough it the fuck out because this...
      4 of 11
    • Today Now! Host Undergoes Horrifically Painful Surgery Live On Air

      Jim Haggerty helps to raise awareness about kidney stones by undergoing an operation in front of cameras.
      5 of 11
    • U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park

      ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one straightforward, no-nonsense military engagement they could really knock out ...
      6 of 11
    • Nation's Quadriplegics Immobilize On Washington In Support Of Stem-Cell Research

      WASHINGTON—Having arrived in the nation's capital by the wheelchair-accessible-busload, tens of thousands of quadriplegics from across the United States immobilized on the National Mall Wednesday, rallying in motionless protest against restrictions ...
      7 of 11
    • Scalia Unable To Name All 9 Supreme Court Justices

      WASHINGTON—Associate Justice Antonin Scalia struggled to recall the names of all nine active Supreme Court justices while playing a trivia game Thursday, sources confirmed.
      8 of 11
    • After 1 Week In New York Tim Tebow Already A Gay, Homeless Crack Addict

      Tim Tebow has fallen into sin, Tiger Woods is adequate again, and the Mets are questionable for opening day, but Doc Brooks and Kenny Kennedy still hate each other.
      9 of 11
    • MLB Investigates Why Joba Chamberlain Is Allowed To Have A Son

      TAMPA, FL—After reviewing details of the Mar. 22 accident in which Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain suffered a dislocated ankle while playing with his 5-year-old son, Karter, Major League Baseball announced Thursday it had launched an investigation ...
      10 of 11
    • Man With Nice Eyes Blown

      Female voters can't help fawning over sexist GOP candidates, a homesick kid on a sleepover just needs to tough it the fuck out, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson lets it slip that he's been to Mars.
      11 of 11
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