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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•35 • Sep 3, 2012
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    • Gay Marine Beaten To Bloody Pulp To Fire Up RNC Crowd

      TAMPA, FL—Excitement on the floor of the Republican National Convention reached a fever pitch Tuesday, as attendees were treated to a rally at the Tampa Bay Times Forum featuring the savage beating of an openly gay Marine. Amidst the deafening roar ...
      1 of 10
    • GOP Convention To Feature Strong Lineup Of Conservative Women Listeners

      TAMPA, FL—On the eve of the Republican National Convention, GOP officials have announced that the three-day event will feature a solid, all-star lineup of the party’s most prominent female listeners.
      2 of 10
    • Hot New 'Murder Craze' Sweeps Chicago

      CHICAGO—According to the nation’s tastemakers and trendsetters, the city of Chicago is currently wrapped up in a hot new murder craze, with murders occurring almost every day of the week, and sometimes happening well into the night.  ...
      3 of 10
    • Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride

      HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the worst record in the majors, are not even good enough to play for pride at this point.
      4 of 10
    • Netflix Board Of Directors Meets To Decide If 'Michael' Is Stream Worthy

      LOS GATOS, CA—According to sources within the company, Netflix's board of directors held a tense series of meetings Friday to decide whether the 1996 fantasy-comedy Michael, starring actor John Travolta, should be included among the movies av...
      5 of 10
    • Jeb Bush Warns RNC Attendees Of Bad Cialis Going Around Parking Lot

      TAMPA, FL—According to sources on the floor of the Republican National Convention, former Florida governor Jeb Bush made his way through the crowd Wednesday afternoon to spread the word about a bad batch of Cialis that some guys were trying to sell ...
      6 of 10
    • Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online

      COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya Shaw reportedly drew a deep, resolved breath earlier today as she bravely entered Madam Jane...
      7 of 10
    • John McCain Just Blew His Brains Out During RNC Speech

      Senator Had Been Depressed About Current State Of GOP, Career

      TAMPA, FL—Republican National Convention officials are confirming that John McCain, the five-term senator from Arizona and former presidential nominee, has just shot and killed himself during his address to GOP delegates. McCain—who at various...
      8 of 10
    • World Wildlife Fund Quickly Backtracks After Announcing Panda Ears Are Delicious

      'They're Really Good, But We Shouldn't Be Saying That,' Says Spokesman

      GLAND, SWITZERLAND—During a press conference outside their Swiss headquarters Thursday, World Wildlife Fund officials backpedaled from a controversial press statement released by the organization last week, claiming that while panda ears are in fact...
      9 of 10
    • Teen Unaware He Locked In Heated Ongoing Competition With Parents' Friends' Son

      CHEYENNE, WY—Sources confirmed Wednesday that local high school sophomore Jeffrey Levine, 16, is oblivious to the fact that he is currently engaged in an intense and continuous no-holds-barred competition with classmate Eric Nelson, the son of his p...
      10 of 10
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