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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•40 • Oct 1, 2012
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    • George W. Bush Returns To America After Spending 4 Years In The Himalayas

      JACKSONVILLE, FL—Garbed in unwashed robes and wearing a long, gray, wispy beard, former president George W.
      1 of 14
    • The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama

      Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.
      2 of 14
    • Scientists Working On Immortality Better Hurry Up Because Ian McKellen Is 73

      WASHINGTON—Scientists in search of a cure for human mortality better pick up the pace, sources confirmed this week, because celebrated British actor Sir Ian McKellen is not exactly getting any younger.
      3 of 14
    • Gallup Poll: Rural Whites Prefer Ahmadinejad To Obama

      CHARLESTON, WV—According to the results of a Gallup poll released Monday, the overwhelming majority of rural white Americans said they would rather vote for Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than U.S.
      4 of 14
    • Romney Campaign Reboots For 72nd Consecutive Week

      BOSTON—Saying it was time to get back to basics and “start fresh,” top-level sources at Romney 2012 headquarters announced plans to reboot and reenergize the campaign for the 72nd consecutive week Monday.
      5 of 14
    • BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead

      BRIDGEPORT, CT—Moments after purchasing a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R, your friend Pete has already been killed, bystanders outside the motorcycle dealership have just confirmed.
      6 of 14
    • Loose First-Grader Brings Home Different Friend Every Time

      RENTON, WA—Neighborhood witnesses confirmed Sunday that the McAuliffe’s easy 7-year-old son Dylan always has a steady stream of friends going in and out of the family’s house.
      7 of 14
    • Office Cheering On Employee Going For 32-Minute Nonstop Work Streak

      NEW YORK -- Holding up signs and roaring with applause, employees at Accenture Management Consultants dropped their work Tuesday morning to cheer on coworker James Conrad as he shattered company records by going for a 32-minute non-stop work streak, sourc...
      8 of 14
    • Nation's Creepy Middle School Gym Teachers Also Come Out In Favor Of Circumcision

      WASHINGTON—Following a recent statement from the American Academy of Pediatrics touting the benefits of circumcision, the nation’s creepy middle school gym teachers have also announced their support for the procedure, declaring it the more hyg...
      9 of 14
    • Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machines

      Responding to widespread criticism of voting procedures that have plagued the state since the 2000 election, the Florida Elections Commission announced Thursday its plan to experiment with new 600-lever voting machines.
      10 of 14
    • Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over Of Customer

      CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored...
      11 of 14
    • NFL: 'We Want To Protect The Integrity Of Our Brutal, Inhuman Game'

      NEW YORK—After reaching an agreement with the NFL Referees Association to end the four-month lockout, league commissioner Roger Goodell announced Thursday that he is committed to maintaining the integrity of the violent and completely barbaric sport...
      12 of 14
    • Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway

      SEAFORD, DE—Disregarding the fact that the novel has nothing to do with Harry Potter or wizardry, local man Quincy Basset, 33, announced his plan to line up for the release of J.K.
      13 of 14
    • Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

      BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...
      14 of 14
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