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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•42 • Oct 15, 2012
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    • Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment

      PHOENIX—Citizens across the United States are expressing renewed hopes for a nationwide economic recovery following news that local resident and complete moron Ron Freizczky has found work, sources confirmed Monday.
      1 of 14
    • Romney: 'This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City'

      LEXINGTON, VA—Speaking at a rally on Monday, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney told supporters his dramatic resurgence in the polls following last week’s debate had once again proved that he deserves his well-known moniker, Turnaround Mitty...
      2 of 14
    • Jerry Sandusky Hoping Judge Takes It Easy On Him With Sentencing

      BELLEFONTE, PA—Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers told reporters Tuesday that the former Penn State assistant football coach is desperately hoping the judge “has a heart” and will take it easy on him while delivering his sentence for 45 counts of child sexual abuse.
      3 of 14
    • U.S. Treasury Cowboy Claims Something Done Spooked Economy

      WASHINGTON—U.S. Treasury Cowboy Earl “Buck” Laramie gathered reporters around his campfire at sundown Monday, rustled them up some biscuits and bacon, and broke the bad news that “Somethin’ or someone done spooked the economy...
      4 of 14
    • Chiefs Scold Fans For Cheering Brady Quinn

      KANSAS CITY—Several Chiefs players spoke out Monday about the cheering that occurred in Arrowhead Stadium when quarterback Brady Quinn replaced the injured Matt Cassel, expressing their utter disbelief that Kansas City fans would openly applaud the ...
      5 of 14
    • Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election

      LEXINGTON, VA—Reacting to news Monday that his performance in last week’s domestic policy debate had significantly boosted his poll numbers and put him closer to the White House than ever before, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney rep...
      6 of 14
    • Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming

      LOS ANGELES—Following the first public appearance of the actress formerly known as Mark Wahlberg at a Hollywood fundraiser last night, the American people acknowledged the Departed and Fighter star’s sex-reassignment surgery was ...
      7 of 14
    • Mr. Autumn Man Walking Down Street With Cup Of Coffee, Wearing Sweater Over Plaid Collared Shirt

      BOSTON—The twigs and acorns crunching pleasurably beneath his boots, Mr. Autumn Man Dennis Clemons, 32, reportedly strolled down Massachusetts Avenue on Wednesday wearing a gray sweater over a plaid collared shirt as he cradled a cup of pumpkin-spic...
      8 of 14
    • Biden's Handlers Suggesting He Forget The Words 'Pink' And 'Stink' Altogether

      WILMINGTON, DE—While attempting to prepare the vice president for tomorrow night’s debate against Rep. Paul Ryan...
      9 of 14
    • Justice Ginsburg Throws Party While 120-Year-Old Parents Away For Weekend

      ALEXANDRIA, VA—With her parents leaving town to celebrate their 98th wedding anniversary, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg made plans Friday for a major house party, inviting all her Supreme Court colleagues to what she promised would be “a classic...
      10 of 14
    • Naked, Tied-Up Paul Ryan Tells Staff He Can’t Prepare For Debate Unless They Slap Him Harder

      DANVILLE, KY—Lying fully nude with his wrists and ankles tied to the corners of his hotel room bed, an intense, sweat-drenched Paul Ryan reportedly told his staffers today that the only way he could prepare for Thursday night’s vice presidenti...
      11 of 14
    • Ryan Chugs Down Rhino Horn And Bull Semen Shake For Mid-Debate Boost

      DANVILLE, KY—Looking to boost his energy before entering the second half of Thursday night’s vice presidential debate, Republican nominee Paul Ryan took a quick breather around the 40-minute mark to chug a rhino horn and bull semen shake.
      12 of 14
    • Eloquent Biden Brings Entire Audience To Tears In Debate Stunner

      'I'm A Flawed Man, But There Is Love In My Heart' Vice President Says

      DANVILLE, KY—In what observers called a stunning and unexpected display of oratorical eloquence and candor, Vice President Joe Biden delivered a deeply articulate and heartfelt speech at the conclusion of Thursday night’s vice presidential deb...
      13 of 14
    • King Hippo's New Boxing Gym Allows 8-Bit Teenagers To Get Off Pixelated Streets

      NEW YORK—Former World Video Boxing Association heavyweight King Hippo opened a new boxing gym this month, saying he hopes to provide a healthy outlet for troubled 8-bit teens and keep poorly rendered youths off the pixilated streets. “Most of ...
      14 of 14
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