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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•43 • Oct 29, 2012
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    • Weeping Obama Breaks Down, Admits Bin Laden Still Alive And Out There Somewhere

      BOCA RATON, FL—In a stunning admission during tonight’s foreign policy debate, President Barack Obama broke down in tears and announced that Osama bin Laden was not killed by a U.S.
      1 of 14
    • Wild Fall Break Parties Pose Risks For College Students

      The Onion News Network investigates the dangerous tradition of Fall Break parties where college students chug maple syrup and strip down to their long underwear.
      2 of 14
    • Romney Delivers Stern Warning To China, Speaking Directly Into The Camera In Fluent Mandarin

      BOCA RATON, FL—After asserting during Monday’s foreign policy debate that Americans needed a president who would “finally stand up to China,” Republican nominee Mitt Romney responded to a question on international trade by looking ...
      3 of 14
    • Obama Takes Out Romney With Mid-Debate Drone Attack

      BOCA RATON, FL—Saying that the high-value target represented a major threat to their most vital objectives, Obama administration officials confirmed tonight that former governor Mitt Romney was killed by a predator drone while attending a presidenti...
      4 of 14
    • This Last Story Ever Written About Cycling

      AIGLE, SWITZERLAND —In the wake of overwhelming allegations that he engaged in illegal doping throughout the course of his professional career, cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France titles Monday, effectively making this a...
      5 of 14
    • Coworker Hastily Leaves Break Room To Avoid 'Here Comes The Boom' Spoilers

      BLOOMINGTON, IN—Determined to remain insulated from all major and minor plot points until this weekend, file clerk Grant Hollis rushed from Midwest Publishing’s employee break room Monday at the first mention of the 2012 comedy film Here Co...
      6 of 14
    • Latest Study Finds Cancer Cells Now Cruelly Mocking Researchers

      ROCHESTER, MN—Stating that cancer cells are now “laughing in our fucking faces,” a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and potential cure of the disease has found that the malignant growths have begun cru...
      7 of 14
    • Trump Announces He's A Very Sad Man

      NEW YORK—In a blockbuster announcement today, Donald Trump announced that he is a very sad man who has nothing to live for other than drawing attention to himself.
      8 of 14
    • 'Mother Mary Was Essentially Raped,' Mourdock Says While Digging Self Into Deeper Hole

      NEW ALBANY, IN—Defending his comment that a woman becoming pregnant from rape “is something God intended,” Republican Senate candidate Richard Mourdock dug himself into an even deeper hole today when he argued that, if you really stop to...
      9 of 14
    • Apple's Gag Division Unveils Sleekest Fake Dog Shit To Date

      CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product’s new state-of-the art features and highly intuitive user interface, Apple’s gag division unveiled at a media event today the iDookie 4SE, which the tech giant describes as the sleekest, most advanced fa...
      10 of 14
    • Cactus Scientists Recommend Drinking 8 Cups Of Water Per Year

      WASHINGTON—A consortium of the nation’s leading cactus doctors issued a new set of guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans drink at least 8 cups of water per year to maintain proper hydration.
      11 of 14
    • Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

      HARTFORD, CT—Moving swiftly and discreetly like CIA field agents on some kind of black-ops mission to infiltrate a terrorist cell in a hostile country, coworkers of soon-to-be 29-year-old Catherine Greyson clandestinely passed a birthday card around...
      12 of 14
    • Baseball Hall Of Fame Getting Depraved Urge To Induct Jose Canseco

      COOPERSTOWN, NY—Despite being an emblematic figure of the darkest era in the sport’s history and an insufferable human being, Jose Canseco was under serious consideration this week for induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame, simply for the p...
      13 of 14
    • U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

      WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence ...
      14 of 14
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