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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•44 • Nov 5, 2012
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    • Nation Suddenly Remembers Simple Comforts Of Having Out-Of-Touch White Man Run Country

      WASHINGTON—With just days left before the election, the nation’s 150 million registered voters have started to remember the simple, reassuring comforts of entrusting control of their country to an extremely out-of-touch white man, sources conf...
      1 of 15
    • 20 Idiots Evacuated From Times Square M&M's Store

      NEW YORK—With Hurricane Sandy pounding New York City with powerful winds and a dangerous storm surge Monday, emergency workers were mobilized quickly to evacuate 20 colossal morons from the M&M’s World store in Times Square.
      2 of 15
    • Mom Just Called To Make Sure You're Not Under That Dangling Crane

      BOISE, ID—Calling to check on him for the fourth consecutive morning amid reports of the dangers posed by Hurricane Sandy, local mom Mary Canfield expressed relief Tuesday after learning her son in New York wasn’t underneath that crane that...
      3 of 15
    • New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose

      Record turnout is expected at the polls thanks to a groundbreaking new voting booth that lets Americans violently murder the candidate they hate the most.
      4 of 15
    • Oh, Right, World Series

      Uh, Giants Won

      DETROIT—Sources close to Major League Baseball confirmed Tuesday that, oh, um, the World Series just happened.
      5 of 15
    • Mood In Car Takes Grim Turn After Dad Misses Exit

      LYNNVILLE, IN—The atmosphere inside the Lowery family car became gravely serious Saturday morning immediately after father and driver Chris Lowery, 44, missed the highway exit he was supposed to take, backseat sources confirmed. “Well, we miss...
      6 of 15
    • Increased Negative Campaigning Reveals Previously Hidden Ugly Side Of Politics

      WASHINGTON—Shocked and disillusioned sources across the nation reported feeling a “loss of innocence” last week when, for the first time in the country’s history, increased negative campaigning began to reveal a long-hidden ugly si...
      7 of 15
    • Lone House With No Halloween Decorations By Far Spookiest In Neighborhood

      OGALLALA, NE—The only house on the street that remains unadorned with Halloween decorations is far and away the spookiest home in the entire neighborhood, residents of Parkhill Drive told reporters today.
      8 of 15
    • Weird Couple Has Greatest Sex Of Their Lives After Announcement Of Disney-LucasFilm Merger

      NASHUA, NH—Following yesterday’s announcement that the Walt Disney Co.  had acquired movie studio Lucasfilm Ltd. for $4.05 billion, local couple  John Campbell and Linda Clarke had the most mind-blowing sex of their  lives...
      9 of 15
    • Nation Suddenly Realizes This Just Going To Be A Thing That Happens From Now On

      NEW YORK—Following Hurricane Sandy’s destructive tear through the Northeast this week, the nation’s 300 million citizens looked upon the trail of devastation and fully realized, for the first time, that this is just going to be something...
      10 of 15
    • Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video

      WASHINGTON—Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan took a short break from his busy campaign schedule Wednesday to announc the official release of his new 90-minute high-endurance Extreme Budget Shredder instructional video. Accordin...
      11 of 15
    • America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign

      Year In Review

      America's roommates have launched a grassroots campaign to spread the message that one person can't make a difference if you really, really think about it.
      12 of 15
    • Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs

      MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic coast Thursday to help victims repair and re-erect thousands o...
      13 of 15
    • Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship

      MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S.
      14 of 15
    • Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill

      TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the Republican presidential candidate has been gradually transforming i...
      15 of 15
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