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    The Week In Pictures

    Slideshow • News • ISSUE 48•50 • Dec 17, 2012
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    • Boehner Just Wants Wife To Listen, Not Come Up With Alternative Debt-Reduction Ideas

      WASHINGTON—Amid the continuing debate over the upcoming “fiscal cliff,” sources close to House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) confirmed Monday that he simply wants his wife, Deborah, to listen to his budget proposal and “isn’t i...
      1 of 15
    • Furious Bleacher Report Editor Will Make Staff Rank Things All Fucking Night If He Has To

      SAN FRANCISCO—Frustrated with the poor quality of lists the website’s writers have produced as of late, BleacherReport.com editor Eric Briggs threatened Monday to force the staff to rank things “all fucking night” if he had to.
      2 of 15
    • The Onion's Plan For Solving The Fiscal Cliff Crisis

      With the so-called fiscal cliff arriving in three weeks, The Onion would like to offer its own simple and mutually beneficial plan for averting a crisis.
      3 of 15
    • CVS Poised To Be Nation's Top Seller Of Shitty Office Party Gifts For Your Coworkers

      The pharmacy chain is hoping to become America's top retailer of crap that costs $20 and is right around the corner from your office.
      4 of 15
    • Toddler Leaders Call For Increased Duck Visibility

      WASHINGTON—High-ranking members of the toddler community made an impassioned appeal Tuesday for greater duck visibility, calling for more unobstructed views of the beloved waterfowl. 
      5 of 15
    • Kidnappers' Demands Only Make Sense Given Economy

      NEW YORK—Detectives from the New York Police Department confirmed that a list of demands received Wednesday from the abductors of 14-year-old Julia Weatherford, the daughter of multimillionaire financier Austin Weatherford, only make sense given the...
      6 of 15
    • Taylor Swift Apparently Now Dating 'Garfield' Creator Jim Davis

      NEW YORK—Following reports earlier this week of pop star Taylor Swift’s whirlwind romance with One Direction singer Harry Styles, sources confirmed today that Swift has moved on and is apparently now dating Garfield creator Jim Davis.
      7 of 15
    • Slovenian 8th-Graders Surprised Even They Outperformed U.S. Students In Science

      LJUBLJANA, SLOVENIA—Responding today to his nation’s ranking in a new international study measuring student performance, 14-year-old Izotk Rogelj told reporters he was more than a little surprised that even he and his classmates, all eighth-gr...
      8 of 15
    • Guys With Boring Jobs Really Hitting It Off A Few Rows Back On Airplane

      PHOENIX—According to sources currently seated in rows 14 through 18 aboard flight 763, two middle-aged men with incredibly boring jobs are really hitting it off during the three-hour trip to Kansas City. Using terms like “white-labeling”...
      9 of 15
    • Movie Studio Blows Whole Budget On Big-Name Gaffer

      BURBANK, CA—Insisting that such a film must not go under-gaffed, producers of the Warner Bros. comedy-horror film Blood Brothers reportedly coaxed Brett Atkins, the film industry’s most legendary gaffer, out of retirement this week at a...
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    • Roger Goodell Proposes Eliminating Ball From NFL

      NEW YORK—Responding to concerns about high injury rates on plays involving a football, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell introduced a possible rule change Friday that would eliminate balls from the game entirely.
      11 of 15
    • Fuck Everything, Nation Reports

      Just Fuck It All To Hell

      WASHINGTON—Following the fatal shooting this morning at a Connecticut elementary school that left at least 27 dead, including 20 small children, sources across the nation shook their heads, stifled a sob in their voices, and reported fuck everything...
      12 of 15
    • Report: It Okay To Spend Rest Of Day Curled In Fetal Position Under Desk

      WASHINGTON—Following reports of a mass shooting at a Connecticut elementary school that left 20 children dead, sources just confirmed that it is totally fine to spend the entire rest of today curled up in the fetal position underneath your desk.
      13 of 15
    • Right To Own Handheld Device That Shoots Deadly Metal Pellets At High Speed Worth All Of This

      NEWTOWN, CT—Following today’s mass shooting that left 20 young children dead at a Connecticut elementary school, numerous sources across the country reported that their government-protected right to own a portable device that propels small ...
      14 of 15
    • 'Right To Live Life In Complete, Stunned Horror,' Added To Constitution

      WASHINGTON—In the wake of yesterday’s gruesome mass shooting that claimed the lives of 27 people, including 20 schoolchildren, the United States ratified a new constitutional amendment this afternoon guaranteeing American citizens the right to...
      15 of 15
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