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    The Week In Review

    Slideshow • ISSUE 47•10 • Mar 7, 2011
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    • ExxonMobil CEO Really Hurt That College Student Is Talking About Him Right Now

      IRVING, TX—According to sources within ExxonMobil's global headquarters, Rex W. Tillerson, the company's president, chairman, and CEO, was completely devastated Wednesday by what 18-year-old Skidmore College freshman Samantha Huestis was saying about him in her dorm room.
      1 of 10
    • Struggling Supreme Court Loses Eighth Consecutive Case

      2 of 10
    • Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart

      In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in fourth grade.
      3 of 10
    • Derek Jeter Rejects Move To Outfield By Reminding Yankees That He's Derek Fucking Jeter

      TAMPA, FL—During a post-workout press conference at the Yankees spring training facility Thursday, shortstop Derek Jeter once again rejected the idea of moving from shortstop to center field, citing the fact that he's Derek fucking Jeter and he'll play whatever fucking position he wants.
      4 of 10
    • Postal Service Celebrates Another Awesome Day Of Delivering Mail

      'We Did It Again, You Guys,' Jubilant Postmaster Declares

      WASHINGTON—Emphatic cheers of "We did it again!" and "USPS is the best!" rang out from the nation's post offices Tuesday as the United States Postal Service celebrated yet another amazing day of successfully delivering the country's mail.
      5 of 10
    • Pedophiles Furious Over High School's Redesigned Girls Field Hockey Uniforms

      The leering pedophiles who watch every girls field hockey practice and game are "outraged" at the school's new uniforms, which they say go against the team's proud tradition of titillating perverts.
      6 of 10
    • Al-Qaeda Recruiting Suicide Bombers With Promise Of Halfway Decent Job In Afterlife

      WASHINGTON—Intelligence officials said Tuesday that al-Qaeda is recruiting a new generation of suicide bombers with assurances that martyrs will be rewarded in the afterlife with a halfway decent job, benefits, and a 401(k) plan.
      7 of 10
    • Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death

      In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.
      8 of 10
    • Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs

      GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school.
      9 of 10
    • 'You Are Standing In An Open Field West Of A White House, With A Boarded Front Door; There Is A Mail Box Here' And Other Unforgettable Moments From Zork 1

      10 of 10
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