Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one:

  • Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed.
  • If you forgot to buy her flowers, just point at the closest tree and tell her you planted it for her years ago.
  • Greet him at the door wearing nothing but his dead wife’s clothes.
  • Don’t worry about spending too much—you can’t. No matter what, she’ll never be happy.
  • Make yourself look like a hero by abducting a pet from your prospective lover and returning it to them on Valentine’s Day. It probably won’t work like you imagined, but it’s worth a shot.
  • Todd can be a real dick, but what are you going to do, spend Valentine’s Day alone?
  • Don’t overdo it with the gifts, but don’t underdo it either. Or don’t do it at all. We really don’t care.
  • Purchase a lifetime AAA membership for your loved one and place the card near your genitals.
  • Don’t feel guilty about chaining the kids up outside if it’s only for this one night.