Babies spend the first year of life exploring their surroundings by tasting and touching, which is why it’s essential for parents to be diligent in protecting them. Here are some tips for creating a safe environment for your baby:

  • To begin baby-proofing your home, immediately remove your dartboard, electric guitar, and any other vestiges of your independence.
  • Make an inventory of dangerous items in the house, and then calmly explain to your baby what they should and shouldn’t touch.
  • Before giving your child something to play with, make sure it’s not a choking hazard by pushing it down your own esophagus for a few minutes and seeing if it obstructs your airway.
  • Cultivate your baby’s sense of caution by introducing him to the work of famed Japanese director and screenwriter Yasujiro Ozu, whose films explore the beauty and sadness of life’s transience.
  • If your home has medications or cleaning supplies lying around, place your baby on a hard-to-reach shelf where he can’t get to them.
  • There’s really nothing you can do about bleach. If they want it, they’ll find it.
  • Forge a suit of armor for your child made of mithril ore, which, so the legends say, is as light as a feather yet harder than tempered steel.
  • Keep your infant away from foods that are rich in cholesterol. Heart disease is the number-one killer of Americans, and babies are no exception.
  • Unfortunately, many baby products on the market are poorly designed and dangerous. Never purchase a defective crib unless you can haggle retailers down to a good price.