Raising children to become well-behaved adults is a challenge every parent faces. Here are The Onion’s tips for disciplining your kids:

  • Make your child prove his unquestioning obedience to you by having him break his favorite toy.
  • Your child’s friends are often the biggest influencers, so make sure to beat them whenever your child misbehaves.
  • Child development studies show that no normal school-age boy or girl is prone to bed-wetting. If your child wets his bed, he needs to fucking clean it up because he’s acting like a goddamn infant.
  • If you don’t want to spank your kids, at least show them a YouTube video of kids getting spanked.
  • Show your children a print of Edvard Munch’s The Scream, but tell them that the name of the painting is The Boy Who Didn’t Wipe His Feet Before Coming Inside.
  • Your child is less likely to misbehave if you maintain a healthy and constant sense of fear. If he asks about monsters under the bed or in the closet, respond with a shrug and a wink.
  • Taking away TV privileges is always a great punishment, but obviously don’t try this if you still have a lot of stuff you need to get done that day.
  • If God asks you to sacrifice your son, do it.