With swimsuit season on the horizon, Americans across the nation are working hard to get their bodies in peak physical fitness for summer. Here are The Onion’s tips for getting in shape:

  • Set realistic, attainable goals. Rather than trying to lose 10 pounds in one day, go eat a couple handfuls of shredded cheese or watch some television instead.
  • Being fit means constantly pushing your body. Tone your legs in the car by constantly braking and pushing on the gas.
  • If you want to get in shape, the animals you eat must also be healthy. For instance, if you want a hamburger, select a promising cow 10 weeks ahead of time and hire a personal trainer to develop a bovine strength-training regimen for the cow to assiduously follow.
  • Chocolate éclairs are rich and delicious. Wait, what are we saying? You shouldn’t be thinking about that now.
  • Take the stairs up to your office! It’s one of the easiest ways to hide an increasingly weak and shapeless body from the eyes of coworkers.
  • Supplements can give any gym-goer an added boost when it comes to bulking up. Get one of those big jugs of Muscle Milk, mix it with water, and then cake yourself in it. Allow the mixture to harden and then wait three to four days within your protein cocoon while the substance works its magic.
  • There’s no better way to get your heart pumping and muscles swelling than finding a lead pipe and just beating the shit out of some guy on the street.
  • Before going up for a second helping of dessert, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” When the answer turns out to be yes, you’ll feel much less guilty about eating it.
  • Track your daily caloric intake by keeping a food journal. For example, you might write “Turkey sandwich, 650 calories” or “Why is this so hard? Oh God, I just want to be happy.”