Flu season is in full swing with at least 25 states reporting widespread cases of the illness. Here are The Onion’s tips for beating the flu:

  • Be between the ages of 2 and 79
  • To prevent yourself from becoming sicker, avoid contact with any and all microscopic organisms
  • Ensure plenty of rest by getting hit by a truck and falling into a deep coma
  • Keep yourself hydrated by drinking plenty of bodily fluids
  • Put on a brave face for the children
  • Decongest your sinuses by standing over a steaming manhole cover
  • Extract powerful flu-fighting antioxidants from fruits and berries by employing separation technology to make a serum, submitting the resulting serum to an adsorption process, and using ethanol or acetate to remove and collect the adsorbed antioxidants from the serum resin
  • Dwell on your symptoms long enough and you’ll slowly convince yourself it’s syphilis
  • For God’s sake, just keep living