As America's teens return to class, they return to the playing fields as well. Onion Sports prepares them for what may be the greatest time in their lives.

  • Don't just automatically take the steroids your coach gives you. Shop around for the ones that are best for you.
  • If you've been running outside in extreme heat for hours and start to see spots, that's just your body's way of keeping itself hydrated.
  • You didn't hear it from us, but Elliot's dad said he saw a college scout checking you guys out at last week's game.
  • Hazing is absolutely forbidden by the policies of your school and your athletic conference. That said, ever wonder if Freddy Engel could swim all the way across Lake Sycamore without letting a candle stuck in his ass go out?
  • Wear your team jersey/singlet on all game/meet days, just so everyone knows that you're in sports.
  • Support girl's athletics just as much as boy's, because girls need to do their cute little jumps and bouncy things, too.
  • Just remember, not everyone can become the star of the team and score the winning point in the championship game. However, if you do not do these things, you are useless and will die alone, unmourned and unloved.
  • If you're not so great at sports, don't worry. It's not too late to start smoking and get cool that way.