With summer heating up and many Americans taking vacation for the Fourth of July holiday, millions across the country will be gathering together with friends and family poolside. Here are The Onion’s tips for enjoying a safe, fun, and memorable pool party:

  • Keep a bucket of sawdust on hand for guests who forgot their towels and need to dry themselves.
  • To create a playful, tropical mood, purchase some umbrella toothpicks and stick them in your eyes.
  • Soak party invitations before mailing.
  • Get people to have fun by buying enough pool noodles so that every guest has at least 20.
  • For a fun, invigorating alternative, substitute pool water with club soda.
  • Make sure that a group of fancy, well-dressed high-society types are obliviously enjoying intellectual conversation and fine hors d’oeuvres right alongside the pool’s edge before you perform the party’s inaugural cannonball.
  • Healthy snacks like watermelon slices and grilled zucchini are great for scattering throughout the pool for hungry guests.
  • If you expect your guests to be drinking a lot, put out a cup.
  • Make sure to have a moment of silence for friends who died at pool parties past.
  • Wait 30 minutes after eating before going in the pool. Never mind why. …Okay, fine, you’ll explode.