Millions of people are looking for ways to keep warm as temperatures plunge across the nation. Here are The Onion’s tips for staying comfortable during the coldest days of winter:

  • Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
  • Trick your brain into feeling warm by sticking flame decals on all of your possessions.
  • Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”
  • Prevent heat from escaping by putting a hat on your thermostat.
  • For the toastiest spot in the house, head to the fireplace and crawl under burning logs.
  • Develop a thick layer of protective blubber through millions of years of evolution.
  • Keep heat in your body by tightly packing all orifices with fiberglass insulation.
  • Adopt several dogs from the local shelter, bring them home, and snuggle up next to them until you are heated throughout. Return them when finished.
  • Crouch low to the ground to cover both legs with your feathers.
  • Viewing hardcore pornography will rush warm blood to your penis, which you can then use to warm your hands. Feels good, right?