This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. The Bible(Random House, $21.99)A new edition of the sacred text that includes more Esau than ever.
  2. The Onion Book Of Known KnowledgeThe Onion (Little, Brown, $29.99)Containing all the knowledge that exists on earth, from “abortion” to “ZZ Top,” this is the only book that anyone will ever need to own, and in all likelihood, the last book that will ever be printed.
  3. The Complete Guide To Personal FinanceTamsen Butler (Atlantic, $13.95)Your dad meant well when he gave you this.
  4. The Hairstylist With Pudding HandsLucy McCallum (Penguin, $17.95)The hairstylist doesn’t really have pudding hands, but by the time the phrase comes up in the book, it makes sense.
  5. Guinness World Records 2013Guinness World Records (Guinness World Records, $28.95)Huh, looks like Lou from Legal really did make the world’s largest falafel.