This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

  1. Guns, GermsJared Diamond (Simon & Schuster, $22.95)In this abridged version of his bestseller, Diamond takes out all the parts about steel.
  2. 11/22/83Stephen King (Scribner, $11.99)A man travels back in time to the 20th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination and tries to avoid coworkers who might ask if he remembers where he was when he heard the president was shot.
  3. Give A Jew A HandgunMoshe Goldman (Putnam, $27.95)Eighth entry in the alphabetical Give A Jew thriller series.
  4. JanSport Angela Gonzalez (Penguin, $14.99)In this novelization of the popular backpack brand, a naive young backpack is pushed to the limits of its storage capacity, having to carry a load it never imagined it could.
  5. Success Before 30Allie Shier (Chronicle Books, $28.95)Yep, the same Allie Shier from high school. God. Of course she has a book now, too. She’s just so awful.