This week's 5 best-selling books as compiled by The Onion Book Review:

The Bible But Without Letters To The Corinthians
(ESV Bibles, $12.99)
All the goodness of the Holy Book without the wordy, blowhard letters to those good-for-nothing Corinthians.

Dr. Sleep
Stephen King (Scribner, $22.99)
Now grown up, Danny, the boy with psycho-intuitive powers in <i>The Shining</i>, helps another child with a spectacular gift: a 2013 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge
The Onion (Little, Brown, $20.00)
The most essential and authoritative  book  ever written in the history  of  human civilization, this august encyclopedia— now available in paperback—features thousands of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet and contains more than 500 tons of information. Must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

Miles Of Smiles Dental Employee Handbook 
(Miles Of Smiles Dental)
Shorts, tank tops, and open-toe shoes are not permitted.

Lincoln's Hospital Stay
Frank Hopp (Hachette, $17.00)
We all know Lincoln died in a house, but Frank Hopp wonders what would happen if he died in a hospital?