Not all toys are created equal. Here are some tips to help you choose playthings for your children that are safe and educational:

Children's toys

  • To determine a toy's safety, try these simple tests: Does your child choke on it? Does it produce welts, cuts, or bruises? Does it turn up whole or in fragments in your child's stool?
  • Decide what you would like your child to be, then only buy toys that steer him or her in that direction.
  • If it is Finnish, sold at an upscale toy boutique, and three times as expensive as a comparable toy made by an American company, it is safe and educational.
  • You can never go wrong buying your child a crystal-radio set. It's a great way for him or her to learn about crystal radios.
  • Often, the best toys are the simplest. For example, sewing cards, through which a piece of yarn is laced, enhances a child's motor skills and teaches the fundamentals of sewing. Yeah, sewing cards are a whole fucking lot of fun.
  • If one of your children is killed playing with a chemistry set, make a game of it by challenging your surviving children to reanimate him or her.
  • Visit your local mall for such upscale toy stores as Wooden Toys Your Kids Will Hate and Professor Faggot Q. Boredom's Lame-U-Cational Cocksuckery.
  • One of the best educational toys you can buy your child is a pet. A rabbit, for example, can teach him or her about the life cycle, mammalian reproduction, toxicology, comparative anatomy, and cooking.
  • When toy shopping, look for the Joe Mantegna Seal Of Safety. It's your only guarantee that the toy has been deemed safe by Joe Mantegna.
  • Rounded edges on toys should be sharpened in case your child tries to chop vegetables with them.
  • It's amazing how much kids can learn about chemistry the old-fashioned way. As soon as you get home from work, demand that they mix you an Old-Fashioned.
  • After your child unwraps his or her new toy, throw it on the ground and stomp on it. If any small pieces break off, the toy is too dangerous for young children.
  • Erector sets are a great way to get your pre-teen started on making juvenile sex puns.
  • Buy your child expensive, collectible toys and forbid him or her to take them out of the box. This will teach your child valuable life lessons about longing, deprivation, and resentment.